It's a No from Me (Setting Boundaries from Body Shaming)

It concerns me that everyone's got an opinion on everything under the sun.

Platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram have given us a megaphone to shout our thoughts from the rooftops. But here's the downside: some folks think their opinions are gold in every situation.

Sure, there are some upsides to this whole thing. Like, it's great for rallying behind causes or spreading awareness about important stuff. But let's be real, there are times when opinions are totally unwelcome and just end up causing conflict instead of helping out.

And because of this, people feel entitled to share their thoughts in face-to-face encounters too. The result? Miscommunication and boundaries being overstepped. It's tough to set boundaries with people's opinions, in person, especially with our loved ones, even when they mean well.

One of the most overstepped boundaries is commenting on someone's body.

Every holiday, when I scroll through my social media feed, I see posts about people (mostly women) dealing with comments from relatives on body shaming.

"Looks like you gained weight," or "You seem bigger now."

Sure, while these comments may stem from a place of love and concern, it's important to acknowledge that they can still be harmful if they cause hurt.

Just because someone intends well doesn't automatically make their words harmless. And it's not helpful to justify hurtful comments by insisting they were well-meaning, especially if the recipient feels otherwise.

As a dietitian, I've seen firsthand how body shaming affects my patients. But as a woman, I've dealt with it myself too. It's been a battle I've been fighting since my college days.

Recently, I finally got the courage to stand up for myself... But before I get into that, let me give you a little background on my experience with body shaming.

Telling You My Story

I think my body image issues have always been deeply rooted in my upbringing as an overachieving girl. Being an honor student, there was always this expectation to excel in everything, including looking good.

I felt the pressure to always appear my best—no exceptions. Any weight gain terrified me, and even minor comments about changes in my figure felt like personal attacks.

During my college years, I loved fitting into XS shirts and size 23 jeans and skirts. I adored the sight of my slim legs and toned skin. Being called "skinny" brought me immense satisfaction, and anything contrary to that shattered my confidence.

As a result, I felt the pressure to always appear my best—no exceptions. As a result, I went to great lengths to maintain a tiny physique.

Everything changed when I met Casey Ho...

I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have crossed paths (well, not in real-life) with Casey Ho from Blogilates, a certified fitness and Pilates instructor, who completely transformed my perspective on fitness.

Her saying:

"You can do this! Fitness isn't all about physique; it's about making you strong."

"You're strong, that's what you are. With every single rep you're doing, you're building a stronger mind and body."

Strong rather than thin sounds better to me.

I started seeing my body not as a project with a deadline, but as an ongoing, never-ending craft of loving myself, building a stronger physique, and being kinder to myself each day.

Yet, despite all these improvements and changes from who I was before, I still feel like the fragile teenage college girl with a soft heart when it comes to attacks on my physique. And I know, I know, people will just tell me: "Oh, you're too sensitive." "Oh, you can't accept criticisms."

But for me, it's not just about that...

Our Body in Response to Stress

Our bodies have always been designed to protect us from harm—that's what enabled our ancestors to survive for millions of years, facing predators that could have wiped out the human race long ago.

Anything, and I mean anything, that makes us feel unsafe triggers our body's instinct to react in ways that keep us safe. Whether it's fighting, shouting, withdrawing, crying, or any other method that works for each individual.

For me, when stress hits, my body tends to overthink and become more self-deprecating. If there's a way to convey to people that it's not that I can't handle constructive criticism or a joke, but rather that it's not healthy for my mind to receive comments about my body, I'd appreciate a little sensitivity.

But that's not always how things play out, is it?

We can only truly focus on what we can control—how we respond to the situation.

When it comes to body shaming, especially from relatives, I used to brush it off, be polite, graciously accept, and then immediately question myself—why did I let them do that?

Merely Soothing is not Helpful

The years of comforting myself through these situations have been a continuous journey of self-discovery—diving into self-help books, tuning into podcasts, practicing meditation, and indulging in self-care like salon visits and hair spa days, all to ease the discomfort of confronting the issue when it arises.

Why? Because I fear confrontation and letting people down. Unfortunately, being a people-pleaser often comes hand in hand with being an overachiever, which is a bitter pill to swallow.

For the longest time, I kept it all to myself, masking every hurtful comment with a cute smile, only to later drown in self-questioning and doubt.

But the thing about facing these situations repeatedly is that it toughens your mind. If this is how you reacted before and it didn't work out so well, your body learns and tries to find a better way to protect you.

I've come to realize that my brain, despite the anxiety attacks it sometimes throws my way, is actually my ally—if only I can learn to listen to it more often.

And then came that day—the encounter finally happened.

How I said No to Body Shaming

So, here's the story:

I was in the kitchen, doing my thing, when my auntie came to greet me good morning and then said, 'Parang lumalaki ata ang hita mo ate' (Your thighs seem to be getting bigger, dear).

I had just returned to strength training, so I knew for a fact that it wasn't weight gain, but rather muscle growth. I responded with a simple fact, 'Muscle po yan tita' (Those are muscles, auntie).

However, it felt like stating a fact wasn't enough, and I felt compelled to take it a step further to protect myself...

After pausing for a moment, I carefully chose my words:

'Tita, sa totoo lang po, hindi nakakatulong sa akin ang mga ganitong komento tungkol sa katawan ko. I understand you mean well. Pero gusto ko lang pong ipaalam na minsan, hindi po ito nakakatulong. Concern lang din po ako what-if ibang tao po kayo nag-comment about this, how would they react or think about you? (Auntie, honestly, comments like these about my body don't help me. I understand you mean well. But I just want to let you know that sometimes, it's not helpful. I'm also concerned about what if you commented to other people about this, how would they react or think about you?)

There was a brief pause, she laughed, and I laughed too. But I think she got the point, and to avoid any awkwardness, I changed the topic to my new gym membership!

The formula looked something like this:

Say thank you for expressing their concern,
Now, try expressing your feelings about the comment, and
Explain the impact it has on you.

The meaning behind the comment, whether good or bad, is something out of my control. But in that moment, I chose to react in a way that would benefit both of us through simple kindness and honesty.

From this experience, I learned that I could face my demons, but reacting to them doesn't have to come from anger and defensiveness. Sure, it's hard to do this for the first time, but when given the chance, I think we should take the opportunity to be open about our boundaries.

It's there to protect us after all... and saying No doesn't always have to look bad.

Hey there,

If you've finished this article up until here, you're awesome!

What do you think about this? I'd love to hear from you.

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Many thanks for your support and happy reading!

Xoxo,
Claire 😄